last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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