I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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