Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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