I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
