I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
