Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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