we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
