My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
