Swine flu. Run for my life!
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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