Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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