my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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