She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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