He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
