sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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