im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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