life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
