Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
