You smell like a Billy Joel song
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
