I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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