someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
