Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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