i was rollin on her like bob the builder
my being single is dangerous.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
