Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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