Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
