I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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