Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
