guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
