So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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