I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
