Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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