the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I looked at my own cervix.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
