I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
