I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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