can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you win again, gameday.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
