Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
