So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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