Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
