I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize