well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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