She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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