There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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