She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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