i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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