Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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