that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
