Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
