Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
