i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
