Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
