Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
this hospital has no fireball
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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