Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
